Yesterday, news broke that Vin Diesel will be starring in a live-action movie version of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, a game in which children make plastic robots fight each other. Here’s what Diesel had to say about the new venture: “To take the classic Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em game, with Mattel as my partner, and align it with the kind of world-building, franchise-making success we have had with Universal, is truly exciting.” Ah … le cinéma!
Of course, this is not the first time producers have poured shitton of cash into making gritty cinematic adaptations of beloved childhood entertainment. Daniel Kaluuya is producing a live-action Barney the dinosaur film, Margot Robbie is playing Barbie, and—this is where my brain starts breaking down—Lil Yachty is developing a movie based on the card game Uno.
But all of these are missing one crucial element: Vin Diesel. So when Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em: The Movie is done, we have some suggestions.
An evil and extremely flexible yoga guru (Jason Statham) is on his way to total world domination through his brainwashing, non-FDA-approved wellness supplements. The only way to stop him? His beefier fraternal twin brother (Vin Diesel) has to beat him at a game of Twister. Trouble is, Vin hasn’t stretched out after the gym for the last 20 years, so he enlists a kindly yoga teacher (Adriene from “Yoga with Adriene” in her big screen debut) to get him into fighting shape. [Vin Diesel voice] Right. Foot. Blue.
A world-renowned architect (Sharon Stone) is being celebrated after her firm builds an innovative and eco-friendly wooden skyscraper in the middle of a bustling, working class neighborhood. But it turns out to secretly house a lab that’s building a nefarious new weapon called JNGA. The mayor (Danny Glover) assembles a task force to dismantle the building, but they discover it can only be done by delicately pulling away each wooden beam, lest it blow up and destroy the whole city. He knows there’s only one person who can accomplish it: Vin Diesel, a former neighborhood kid who is now an incredibly jacked structural engineer.
Hungry Hungry Hippos
While feeding the hippos, two good-natured zookeepers (Tim Meadows and Kate McKinnon) accidentally knock in a vial of experimental medicine that turns them carnivorous. The animals break out and go on a rampage, threatening to eat every single person in America. Vin Diesel, an incredibly jacked former zookeeper who was fired for giving the hippos extra treats, is called back to wrangle his old friends and find an antidote.
Vin Diesel wakes up in a dark cell, with no idea how he got there. He has a mysterious device strapped to his ankle, and finds a paper with instructions: if he stops using the Skip-It, it will detonate and kill him. He breaks out and goes on the hunt for whoever did this to him (Antonio Banderas), skipping all the way.
Vin Diesel plays a hardened, heavy drinking ex-detective reeling from the death of his entire family and also his secret second family. But when his old partner (Charlize Theron) pays him a visit to tell him that the drug kingpin responsible for their deaths (Sam Rockwell) has resurfaced with a whole new scheme—using Easy-Bake Ovens to cook meth—he vows to take him down once and for all.
Just two hours of Vin Diesel playing Scrabble with his friends.